Trauma bonding is an attachment a victim feels for their abuser. A trauma bond can happen in any type of relationship with power imbalances: family, friends, workplace acquaintances. However, the most common types of trauma bonds are those experienced in romantic relationships—especially if the person in power is also a narcissist.
While sometimes trauma bonding happens over two people sharing the same shared trauma, more often, it occurs as an abuse tactic in a cyclical pattern of abuse and positive reinforcement.
The cycle of reward and punishment for each abusive episode might look something like this: The target is publicly degraded or physically abused, and the abuser declares love and regret and smooths things over, professing it won’t happen again. The abuser will then likely “love bomb” the victim and act perfectly so the target doesn’t leave. “Love bombing” actually makes the target feel good like the abuser is legitimately apologizing/atoning for their bad behaviour. The trick is that it happens repeatedly over and over.
As things progress, the time between “apologies” gets longer and longer until it vanishes altogether. The end result is an abuser that gets to abuse however they want, and the target who now sticks around waiting for an apology that will never come. The target is now bonded to the abuser by being repeatedly traumatized. This process feels so overwhelming and confusing….the cycle keeps on repeating. It’s basically how abusers train targets to become a permanent part of their lives.
You see, the cycle of abuse (idealize-devalue-discard) creates intermittent reinforcement, which creates chaos in our dopamine system and gets us addicted to the cycle of abuse. (It also sets us up for other dopamine addictions later in life: phone, gambling, sex, food, etc.).
Leaving any abusive relationship is difficult, but when it comes to escaping a trauma bond with a narcissist, the stakes are even higher.
What is a narcissist?
Now, the term narcissist is thrown around quite a lot these days and for good reason: there are a lot of narcissists out there. We all know them: they require constant and excessive admiration, feel special and superior to everyone else, and are self-absorbed, righteous, critical, arrogant and envious. Most of all, they lack empathy.
Narcissism generally encompasses seven different “types” of narcissists, but only those diagnosed and meeting the criteria listed in the DSM-5 have true narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). The trouble with getting a diagnosis from a narcissist is they never believe they have a problem–it’s all you. Don’t wait around for a diagnosis you’ll probably never get. You can’t save them. All you can do is save yourself.
How to Break a Trauma Bond with a Narcissist in Five Steps
*Note: These are not five easy steps. This is the beginning of a lot of hard work, but you can do it.
1. Acknowledge the trauma bond
The first step to breaking the trauma bond is to acknowledge and recognize there is one. By this point, you have probably experienced gaslighting and are very confused, wondering if you’re the abuser. Certain risk factors are ripe for abusive relationships and trauma bonding.
Ask yourself if you have any of the following:
- Insecure attachment
- Low self-esteem
- A history of childhood abuse or neglect
- Childhood exposure to abusive relationships
- A lack of social support
If you recognize yourself in this list and the abusive “idealize-devalue-discard” scenarios detailed above, there’s a good chance you’re in a trauma bond with a narcissist.
2. Get out and, if possible, go no contact
By now, you’ve probably tried to leave or thought about leaving multiple times over the years. This is normal, as narcissists can be incredibly charming and manipulative. Do not be fooled. A narcissist wants you to be confused because you’re less likely to leave that way.
You can’t help them or fix them or just make them understand you better. They are never going to change. They want power and control.
It’s impossible to heal from a trauma bond while in an abusive relationship, so you must get out.
Make a safe escape plan, but do not share your plans with your abuser. Just make a plan and go. If at all possible, go no contact, or else you run the risk of going right back into the cycle of abuse.
3. Write it all down
Keeping a journal during this time is extremely therapeutic. Don’t just write about all of the horrible things that have happened (or are possibly still happening). That’s good and necessary, but you don’t want to always dwell in the darkness.
Keep a detailed list of things that make you happy, things that are going well, and people that love you. Remember that you are a great friend, a supportive listener, and a hard worker. Write it all down so that you can build up your self-esteem. Try to make a point of being thankful for five things each day. Those small acts of gratitude have power—just like you.
4. Recognize your power
You need to understand that you now have more power than the narcissist wants you to believe. That’s right, YOU. You and only you have the power to escape from this abusive relationship. The narcissist will never leave you because they enjoy the cycle of power, control and abuse.
Do not think of this as a “break up” but as breaking free of an addictive, toxic relationship. This is very difficult as you’re addicted to the highs and lows of the relationship. You might find yourself actually craving the chaos—while also understanding it’s toxic.
When you take back your power, you can take back your life.
5. Set firm boundaries
While setting boundaries won’t work with a narcissist, you must start setting them with other people in your life so you don’t fall into the same trap again.
Your journaling practice might help you identify your needs and values so you can clearly communicate them to others and keep toxic people out of your life. Being assertive and establishing limits takes practice. Be gentle with yourself as you learn what is acceptable and respectful behavior. You may find you need to create some distance from well-meaning friends and family.
Above all, take time to prioritize yourself during this learning period. You deserve self-care and love. You are enough. And remember, you can always reach out for professional help.
Healing from trauma bonds and narcissistic abuse at CFHH
If you have been the target of a narcissist and are trapped in a trauma bond, there’s nothing wrong with you, so please don’t shame yourself or feel guilty about it. Trauma bonding is a highly manipulative technique of psychological abuse.
At Centres for Health and Healing, we understand you’ve been through years of the worst cycles of abuse imaginable. Our trauma-informed treatment and therapy program combines therapeutic techniques and holistic healing practices to help you deal with the symptoms of your trauma bond from narcissistic abuse so you can start rebuilding your life.
If you’re ready to break that bond and start healing from your toxic and abusive relationship, please reach out and talk to one of our compassionate team members today. There is hope. Trauma bonding is real, and we’re here to help.
